Annoyed by bluegrass too early in the morning.

• Every new thing that comes into the house is investigated from all directions, sniffing from above and below.  Some things tell better stories than others, I gather.  My backpack after returning from rural Nicaragua has continual stories to tell.
• In the morning, she waits for me to wake up, then jumps up from her little bed down on the floor next to our bed, cuddling between us or next to my side.  And if I ever want her to lay with me on the bed during the night, I can call for her and she will come running to sit with me.
• When playing with strings or paper balls, she’s still got that kitten energy to pounce, jump high into the air, sprint across the floor and dive onto her prey, and when she catches it, tumbles over and over.
• In the morning when I leave for work, I stick my hand between the bars of the stairway rails from down on the steps.  She sprints towards my hand for some last petting before I leave for the day.  She seems to love this, in a dog type of way where she’s completed some obedience trick that has pleased me.
• She’s lovely with guests, curious, playful, and pleasant.
• When walking towards her, she assumes that FINALLY, you have come over to pet her!  She emits a sigh and throws herself down on the rug, like a movie actress sprawling back on her bed, ready for you to ravish her.  “Oh,” she says, “I am SO beautiful.  Love me.”
• She wants nothing more than to be with me.  Curling up next to me on the couch or bed, or next to my laptop on the desk, her eyes half-close with the pleasure and she purrs and purrs.  Yes, the joy of being with Ruth IS undeniable, it is true.

I suffer from a chronic condition called I-Don’t-Need-to-Pay-For-That  I-Can-Do-It-Myself

It’s very sad.

It was in my last two years of undergrad when I first experienced this phenomenon.  On Saturdays when I was a student, I had trouble getting off the couch.  Sometimes I’d spend all day laying around the living room, watching the four fuzzy channels of network television I could receive with the bent-up rabbit ears on my 12″ 1980′s era TV.   I had martial arts classes every Saturday, classes that I loved to death, but some Saturdays I couldn’t make myself get up and go to them.  I’d just stew in self-hatred and regret, paralyzed, being angry at myself and the world and the constant NEED and DESIRE and PACE of everything.  Then Sunday was back to homework and Monday through Friday kept me busy from 8am to 10pm which made Saturdays my day of protest against it all.  The problem is this time of refusal to action isn’t renewing to my spirit.  Quite obviously, I’m always pushing too hard and my body and mind push back.  I understand I’m in a life-long battle with perfectionism and self-doubt.  It’s just that ain’t nothing to cure it, to permanently fix that relentless, harsh critic in my head.

Every day, at every moment, there’s something else I should be doing.  Everywhere I look I see something I haven’t done, know of someone I need to email, an essay I need to write, the dishes that need to go in the dishwasher, rotting vegetables in the refrigerator that need to be cooked TODAY, and oh, yes, I haven’t gone to the gym yet.  There’s a thousand books in the bookshelf that I need to finish.  There’s something I could be studying, I could get around to the two oil paintings I’m working my way towards.  Tomorrow I have this meeting and that is due and I’m so underprepared it’s pathetic, I’ll be winging it like always and looking like I don’t know what I’m talking about.  I’m paying for Spanish classes but never do the homework and where am I going with that anyway?  And then all of this is meaningless in the grand scheme of things anyway, so why try?

Today’s a Leonard Cohen kind of day.

“Everybody Knows” by Leonard Cohen

Everybody knows that the dice are loaded
Everybody rolls with their fingers crossed
Everybody knows that the war is over
Everybody knows the good guys lost
Everybody knows the fight was fixed
The poor stay poor, the rich get rich
That’s how it goes
Everybody knows
Everybody knows that the boat is leaking
Everybody knows that the captain lied
Everybody got this broken feeling
Like their father or their dog just died

Everybody talking to their pockets
Everybody wants a box of chocolates
And a long stem rose
Everybody knows

Everybody knows that you love me baby
Everybody knows that you really do
Everybody knows that you’ve been faithful
Ah give or take a night or two
Everybody knows you’ve been discreet
But there were so many people you just had to meet
Without your clothes
And everybody knows

Everybody knows, everybody knows
That’s how it goes
Everybody knows

Everybody knows, everybody knows
That’s how it goes
Everybody knows

And everybody knows that it’s now or never
Everybody knows that it’s me or you
And everybody knows that you live forever
Ah when you’ve done a line or two
Everybody knows the deal is rotten
Old Black Joe’s still pickin’ cotton
For your ribbons and bows
And everybody knows

And everybody knows that the Plague is coming
Everybody knows that it’s moving fast
Everybody knows that the naked man and woman
Are just a shining artifact of the past
Everybody knows the scene is dead
But there’s gonna be a meter on your bed
That will disclose
What everybody knows

And everybody knows that you’re in trouble
Everybody knows what you’ve been through
From the bloody cross on top of Calvary
To the beach of Malibu
Everybody knows it’s coming apart
Take one last look at this Sacred Heart
Before it blows
And everybody knows

Everybody knows, everybody knows
That’s how it goes
Everybody knows

Oh everybody knows, everybody knows
That’s how it goes
Everybody knows

Everybody knows

From The Career Center blog, here’s an article on how your color preferences can predict your career.